How tiring racism is. Perspectives of a BIPoC.

I'm tired.

When I told our daughter that we're going to a protest on Saturday and the reason why we were going, she got scared and didn't want to go. I promised her to protect her and explained why it is so important that we raise our voices against injustice. I want her to learn that. We all went together and had a peaceful protest. But what if I couldn't have protected her?

I'm tired making these decisions.

Yesterday morning I called my parents. We were talking about the situation in the US, the racism and the protests. My father who is white told me, that he has never experienced racism in Germany. And that racism isn't as bad in Germany as in the United States. We had these conversations a few times before. I tried to explain to him again that he can probably not judge about that because he's privileged and white. Therefore he's not likely to be discriminated against.

I'm so tired explaining white privilege.

After lunch I took part in an online lecture on Psychological theories in companies. We learned about stress factors and their influence on work. We shared experiences. I wanted to share how bad I feel these days because of what's going on especially in this country and how everything I do costs extra energy to get through the day. But I feared I wasn't understood. I feared that because I had too many conversations where people did not understand when I talk about discrimination and why racism upsets me.

I'm tired to explain why I'm hurt.

In the afternoon we went to a protest in Princeton with friends. This time I couldn't shout "No Justice, no Peace." When we all kneeled 8 minutes and 46 seconds I was feeling numb. I couldn't even lift up my sign anymore which said Black Lives Matter. Do I have to tell people that my life matters? And will all these white people around me raise their voices tomorrow again when they see injustice? Will they have conversations with their children, family and friends? Do they know that I won't go home after a protest and be able to just put down my sign and be safe. I'm in this skin since I was born and I will be in this skin when I'll die.

I'm so tired being Black.



This post was published on June 3rd 2020 on